Lost Love(y)

I resent you for taking my music, knowing that certain songs just belong to you.
I resent you for taking my sunsets because with you, I've shared some of the best.
I resent you for taking all my hikes; after all, you kept the cliff bars in your bag.
I resent you for taking my spontaneity; I wouldn't know it if you hadn't popped into my life.
I resent you for taking my dark sense of humor, because only you made me laugh when I wanted to cry.
I resent you for taking my cream of wheat, and all the wonderfully simple things brought to me by you.
I resent you for taking Halloween because with you I faced the scariest one of all.
I resent you for taking with you your wardrobe because I still hate the clothes in my closet. 
I resent you for taking away the beach because I was happiest when you were there.
I resent you for taking my writing because half of the fun was reading your response.
I resent you for taking away my love of cooking because without you nothing tastes as sweet.
I resent you for taking away the pleasure of margaritas because now I feel lonely in restaurant bathrooms.
I resent you for taking Wyoming, Colorado, and Northern California because I can't appreciate them without you.
I resent you for abandoning me on Facebook, because now I hate it even more.
I resent you for taking with you your cup because I can't finish the sake by myself.
I resent you for taking away the good trails, now where am I suppose to fall off my bike?
I resent you for taking with you karaoke because now I know there's no better way to ring in the new year.
I resent you for taking all the Indy theaters because I haven't been to the movies since.
I resent you for leaving me to make the stuffing alone because Thanksgiving  just isn't the same.
I resent you for taking away camping because I can't put up a broken tent by myself.
I resent you for leaving your bottle of Tapatio because now it's lost it's spice.
I resent you for downloading your pictures on my computer because now I have more reminders.
I resent you for taking with you your dog because I love her too.
I resent you for taking away the fortune cookies because now I don't know what the future holds.
I resent you for the good times because the bad ones didn't seem so bad.
I resent you the most for being there because now it hurts even more when your not.

 

What are you waiting for?

Sometimes life is just easier to understand when you use metaphors, at least for me it is. If I can find something to relate my current crisis to, then I can usually find a way to approach it or at least find more insight than trying to face it head on as it is. One place I find myself relating to often is a waiting room. The type of waiting room varies by what I feel like I'm waiting for. I'm the kind of person that enjoys living life far more than waiting for life to find me, but there are times when I know I am needed to observe and not act. The problem is, no one likes waiting rooms. Waiting rooms are places specifically designed to be temporary and you always want your stay to be as brief as possible, but sometimes you are there for a longer period of time than you expected. What do you do then? Waiting rooms aren't designed for extended stays! The chairs are uncomfortable, the magazines are few and often out dated, the walls are are bare aside from a few generic pieces of poorly matched artwork. I've been in a few waiting room where the only interesting item in the room was the state licensing on the wall. I've never gone anywhere in which I was looking forward to spending time in the waiting room. Your outlook and patience, however, can vary depending on what you are waiting for. If you are waiting in a doctor's office, your mind can be in several different places. If this is a check up, you might bring a book, settle in a chair, and wait for the whole thing to be done. You know what to expect, you know the nurse that will be calling your name, and as long as there aren't any tornado sightings while you are changing into your gown, you can assume that the mundane experience will be brief and life will proceed as normal. Other times, you may be waiting for relief. You may be feeling ill and dealing with symptoms you couldn't heal on your own with over-the-counter or holistic medicine. You are anxious and uncomfortable and you probably feel like everyone in the waiting room is repulsed by you, hoping they don't catch what ever you have. You are waiting for whomever to call your name and lead you to a cure. Occasionally though, you may be waiting for something else, maybe results from a recent test or to undergo surgery. You might be in a waiting room you've visited several times, but now it seems different. Time seems to have stopped and even though you are anxious to go, you understand that life may be completely different once you are called through the doors.
Doctors' offices aren't the only places with waiting areas. Maybe you are meeting friends at a restaurant and you are waiting to be seated. They might give you a menu and offer you a seat at the bar, but all you really want to do is start your dining experience. Sometimes I go to a restaurant and know exactly what I want. I have a specific craving for a tried and true recipe and I know it'll hit the spot, but most times I am up for a surprise. I like to try new adventurous places, read the menu thoroughly, ask the waiters advice, and try something I've never had before. At those times, I am so excited and can hardly wait... will it be an inventive new sushi roll or maybe even the habanero curry I've been wanting to check out?
Sometimes your house can feel like a waiting room too and that can be the worst! You might be waiting for the phone to ring or waiting for a friend to return after a long absence, you might be waiting to feel better, or waiting for the popcorn to finish popping. Maybe your waiting to yell "surprise!" or waiting to confront a problem that is long overdo. When you are waiting at home, all the walls feel like they are closing in around you and there is nothing within your possession that can occupy your mind. You can't get the house clean enough, or do enough jumping jacks to exhaust your thoughts, and the silence is often too deafening to endure.
Right now, I feel like I'm in all kinds of waiting rooms. There are plenty of things I'm anxious for, but I know that, at the moment, it is my time to be patient. I think I am here right now to gather the grace to accept whatever might come, whether it be the phone to ring, medical results I've waited years to hear, or a big spicy bowl of habanero curry.

One Size Fits All

According to several web sources I have found, the average American woman is 5'3.7", 152 lbs., and has a BMI of 26.3. While I do feel somewhat accomplished that I fall short of all these statistics, I am very aware of the challenges of finding clothes, shoes, and styles that are flattering to my frame. Like most women, I am burdened with the chore of sorting through aisles of clothing and daunting trips to the dressing room only to leave downtrodden and vowing to never eat anything other than celery again. Every week, without fail, I will succumb at least once to trying on so many articles of clothing and changing that eventually the amount of clothing piled on my bed far outnumbers what is left in my closet. I will then resort to pouting in my robe until I settle on the lesser of my attire enemies, but the cats will have at least triumphed to a well-deserved nap upon the mound of cotton, silk, and polyester. I have learned that I am not the only woman that spends a good amount of time, washing, ironing, and hanging loads of clothes only to find she has nothing to wear. I am also not the only woman who waltzes over to the bathroom mirror in what she feels may be the winner only to have the mirror beguile her, "Hello, hi. I'm Fatty McWrinkle and apparently I can't dress myself." Why are we so critical of ourselves? Is it vanity? Is it low self esteem? We are all so different and even though the average American model is something like 5'11" and 117 lbs., I don't really want to be like that, they face their own challenges (however, I certainly wouldn't mind trading for a day or two.). Have you ever bought a "one-size-fits-all" article of clothing? They are almost always too wide, too long, too something, because one size could never really fit ALL or even most for that matter. I do feel that clothes can certainly enhance your confidence, but nothing can truly make you feel good if you don't feel comfortable in your own skin. No amount of makeup or crunches will compensate for what you truly see when you look at yourself. So maybe the issue for me isn't a new haircut or finding the best type of top to flatter my figure, but maybe some soul searching is in order. Although there will always be times when I'll want to burn down my closet and all it's contents, I know that neither this or a lavish shopping spree will result in a gratifying image in the mirror if I ignore what needs the most improvement, and no I don't mean my thighs (although that couldn't hurt :) ).

Bearing Good Fruit

I hate to become a cliche, but moving to California has certainly fueled my wine-tasting desire. It annoys me to no end when I see something with such a long history turn into a media-fed trend. The art of wine seems to be one of Hollywood's latest victims which will inevitably be an attempt to dilute even the richest of cultures. I guess those of us with real appreciation will still be sipping long after the bandwagon passes. I was interested in wine long before we moved here, but being surrounded by vineyards has totally enthralled me in viticulture. The science, passion, and history of grapes (and wine) is very inspiring. I've gone wine tasting many times in various places and each time I always find myself interviewing the bartenders and listening attentively as they go in to detail about their art. One interesting fact I learned on my last wine-stained outing was how long it takes to mature a vineyard until it is suitable to produce wine. That particular vineyard needed to age for ten years before it produced adequate grapes for wine. Ten years! I can just imagine feeling so anxious to start this amazing new adventure, being filled with passion, and finally committing to this new way of life. Then have to toil for ten years completely unsure of what the outcome may be. This must take so much faith in what you are dedicating yourself to. I can consider all that I've been through in the last decade, the commitments I've made, and how many times my faith has wavered. I wonder how many vineyards fail in that time, unable to see it through all the rough patches like droughts and storms, or how many people realize that their dreams of becoming a winemaker was not to be and that they must regrettably reap their young vines and start anew. Maybe they were too hasty in their endeavors and failed because they started out the wrong way. Perhaps some winemakers might make it through those rough years, so anxious to taste the literal fruits of their labor, but still be forced to wait patiently as the delicate juices ferment in their barrels. By this point, the winemaker may be physically exhausted, mentally drained, and desperate. Should he just crack open a barrel to taste at the risk of ruining what would have been a truly fine wine? Should he rush off and sell it because he is struggling and needs to support himself? Or should he continue to wait patiently, faithful in his hard work, his commitment, his passion; wait to see what miracle is being created within and what the future holds for his beloved vineyard? Occasionally after time and effort has been exhausted, some vineyards just don't make it and that's ok if it were never meant to be, but as I sipped the ten year old prize-winning sample the bartender graciously shared at the last winery I visited, I was grateful for their patience. There is nothing wrong with younger wines, but the complexity of an aged wine is incomparable. Unlike newer wines, this wine had no bite, no bitter aftertaste. The flavors were distinguished, I would even say confident. It tasted rich and balanced, not tannic. Wines that are aged properly, absorb the delicate flavors of their surroundings and become better with time. Ten years for a quality red wine is still relatively short in the aging process, but still the taste of time made an amazing difference. Although I was a cynic to aged wines truly being all they are made out to be, I've learned that some things are definitely worth the wait. So, here's a toast to patience, a toast to faith, and for some, even a toast to looking up your old address (whatever that means).

Chocolate or Vanilla

"Look to the cookie, Elaine. Look to the cookie." This is a bit of advice from Jerry while eating a black and white cookie on The Dinner Party episode. While I recognize that this was about race relations, I can't help but think about the Black and White cookie when I consider 2009. The biggest reason for this is moving. We literally spent half of the year in one state and the other half in the other. I can't help but compare the differences sometimes. Since I'm not discriminatory to vanilla or chocolate, in fact I'm quite fond of both, I'm not comparing this year in terms of pros and cons; it's simply a comparison of differences. Like the cookie, my foundation is the same: my values, my personality, and my nature, but it really amazes me how contrasting things are with opposing surroundings. Some may say Wyoming is simple and boring and while I can see why, I learned to appreciate the simplicity of it. When we left for California we had the highest of expectations. We were leaving plain vanilla for the Wild West. California is known to be exotic at times and beautiful. There are so many different ways to experience California and we couldn't wait to try it all. Since my first visit, I loved California so I was anxious. It's been six months since we moved and it hasn't been a let down, but it has been curious. Sometimes things can look so much different then they actually are and like many things in life, sometimes it's just better in smaller doses. Now that we've moved on to a new year, I'm excited for what this year has in store. In the end, Jerry's black and white cookie caused him quite a bit of angst, and there were certainly times when I was in the middle of conflicted sides during the past year and I questioned the outcome. I'm thankful that it ended well and I can't wait to savor another.

Soledad

There's a long road ahead and she slips into the driver’s seat.
She doesn't know where she's going,
but she's headed for a place where her heart and her head meet.

Driving away, she’s driving away.
No destination in sight,
but she'll find her way.

Warnings were there, this time, she knows.
Feeling the pull of the road
and the push from here for her to go.
There’s more here, don't go, but she's gone.
He stands with his guitar, hallow breeze,
and he waits until dawn.

Driving away, she’s driving away.
No destination in sight,
but she'll find her way.

Trying to call out, trying to remind her each mile she gains.
Her eyes are ahead, no looking back. This hurt will wane;
letting go of the pain.
Her tears aren't fuel, but its working. Memories aren't company, but keep her on her way.
Too far gone to turn back,
do you hear the words I say?

Driving away, she drives away.
No destination in sight,
but she'll find her way.

Snapshots on the visor fade, letting go of the loss that she's always feared.
Hope is a breeze blowing through her hair.
Love is a whisper, but she's not there.

Driving away, she drives away
No destination in sight,
but she'll find her way.

Quarter-life Crisis: ✔

It's no secret that I have some quirky OCD habits and that I am a compulsive list maker. I love making lists! Christmas lists, grocery lists, goal lists, even spice lists! Pen and paper is my equivalent to a security blanket and list making is my little way of gaining control and perspective on situations. So, maybe that comparison to Joanne from Rent wasn't so far off, but I'd consider myself more of a Type A hybrid than a total square. I just hate that feeling of being "typecast" with certain expectations even if I have a few characteristics here or there. Life is full of expectation without much consideration for gray area. It seems to start when you are are school-aged, what crowd you fit into, what clubs you belong to. By the time you graduate high school, you are literally wearing your label in the form of a Letterman jacket. My whole existence has been spent in the gray area, never quite feeling like I've accomplished all those expectations. Now, I'm teetering the edge of my twenties (gasp), and I'm looking at that quintessential "Twenties checklist," and knowing that, once again, I have unfulfilled expectations. Everyone in or beyond their twenties has one of these lists whether they acknowledge it or not, and I personally believe that is one of the reasons hitting the 30 mark is so difficult. For some, the checklist is completed in perfect order, and by the time some turn 27, they can take inventory with a sense of accomplishment and bright-eyed naivety at the wonders that lie ahead in the next few years, others aren't so lucky and they may feel rushed to meet the deadline at the back-end of their 29th year, and still there are others that see the the list ahead, appreciate the few checks they have scattered on the page and wave the white flag of defeat that they have failed. What happens when you fail? Is that what drives once beautiful and perky young women to moo moos and beehives? Or once prospering young men to Bermuda shorts and moth balls? Let's take a look at the list. In our generation, our twenties are mainly spent establishing the type of person we want to be and hitting all the big spots in adult life, i.e. degrees, career, marriage, children, mortgage, credit card debit, travel, etc. (Reference LIFE, the board game, if you have any questions). Maybe I played house too much as a child, but my expectations for my twenties didn't veer too far from the list above, just add a little creative detailing. What went wrong? I've given it all my effort, but as I gain speed on the downhill slope to thirty, I feel incomplete and I feel that I have failed at my twenties. I know my life hasn't exactly followed the proper order of things (I'm pretty sure life-threatening disease was suppose to be a little further down the road), but I am struggling to understand that while these things are suppose to naturally progress, I have plateaued at such a young age. It's like a relay race, and people five years younger are speeding past, but I haven't been handed the baton. How do I respond to the questions: "What is your degree in? Do you own a home? When are you guys going to finally have kids?"...all I hear is, "You're how old? You haven't met our expectations. You haven't completed your twenties checklist. What's wrong with you?!" So, here I stand with my worn, yet incomplete list inching towards the front of the line for the inevitable 3-0. Will I be able to meet those expectations? Venture off into my thirties with 2.5 kids, a healthy career, and white picket fence? Or will I raise that white flag and adopt a few more cats? Maybe I'll just cross-over and give Maureen a try.