My old friend Teddy

I have been called neurotic and I think it's probably true. It's a personality trait that has been with me since early childhood. I do have a need for balance, a need for closure, a need for completion. I think there are worse things, but this has certainly been a curse at times. Life is about learning, aging, closing chapters and starting new ones. I don't mind most things about life, but something that I never really learned was letting go. Letting chapters end and beginning new ones. I often think about my childhood. Well, thinking is putting it lightly. I have no problems with letting my mind drift back to moments when I was younger and just reliving them for a bit. This is something that I do to cope at times and it is a comfort to me. I have no desire to relive my childhood, adolescence was far too painful for that, but I love to sort of travel back in time to a place where things didn't have to make sense. Sometimes I think about my toys that I loved and the games I played. I remember at one point I had all of my stuffed animals on my twin sized bed. There was probably close to thirty or forty that I happily squeezed in the middle of. My mom would always tell me to move them, but how could I chose which ones to keep? They were all so dear to me. Each one from a different time, whether it was given to me as a gift or one that was made. They each told a story. I had a ritual to kiss each one making sure no one was left out, I didn't want any jealousy! Ok, so this is sounding more like confessions of early OCD tendencies, and maybe it is. The point is, there was something so comforting for me to have this completion and to know that no matter what, they were there. Of course as the years went on, some of my fluffy friends moved to the floor, some to a box, and some to those children less fortunate than I. I learned I had to let go, but some of them stayed. Some of them have even traveled across the country with me. My oldest friend still has a place on my bed every night (Wayne is so understanding!). Growing up, growing apart, learning to let go is not something I'm good at, but something I've learned to embrace. At the same time, I've also learned that somethings don't have to be let go. Somethings are meant to stay and be apart of you even if they aren't as big of a part. I don't carry my teddy every where I go, and I don't cuddle with him every night, but he's there. Friendships in life aren't as easy as toys. I'm not sure that they will be there the next day like all of my stuffed animals were. I don't know how to let go and when or if I should sometimes. I just hope that the ones that are there and hold a special part of me will be there.

Anchors Away

I wanted to be like an ocean upon the shore. To crash into this life and change... change shape, change views, change it all. I wanted to make my presence known, not by sound or sight, but by feeling. I wanted to make an impact like a wave hitting the sand, never to look back and never to be the same... I'm heading to the ocean now. I've heard it call for three years and God knows that there is a warm place for me in the sand and sun. I place for me to dig my toes into and watch in pure amazement at the beauty he created. I need that like the tide needs the moon. I've searched here, landlocked. Trying to find my place, my warm spot, my time to crash upon the shore. I'm not sure why it took three years to realize that this is not the place. I'm not even sure why it took until tonight for me to realize that my purpose here was to just be. To float along the tepid waters and solidify into the woman I've tried my whole life to become. My place isn't here, although I have found places that I needed to be and that needed me for the time. God intended for me to learn what to absorb, such as the friendships that never would have blessed my life had I not come, but also to learn how to cast out what was not intended for me. That lesson was a hard one, but I've learn to release what I should not keep and sometimes it stings, but I find there is more of me to give to ones that I am meant to when I do. I'll leave this place in a few months a changed woman. I might be a passing thought in a few minds here. I might come up in a conversation or two, not exactly the waves I wanted to make. I do hope that I leave behind an imprint, maybe instead of the waves I can leave traces on the shore like seashells to be found on a lazy day. Someone will think of a conversation that we shared or a nice gesture and take with them that seashell. I, on the other hand will take with me a bucket full of memories. When this tide retreats, I will be changed.