My old friend Teddy

I have been called neurotic and I think it's probably true. It's a personality trait that has been with me since early childhood. I do have a need for balance, a need for closure, a need for completion. I think there are worse things, but this has certainly been a curse at times. Life is about learning, aging, closing chapters and starting new ones. I don't mind most things about life, but something that I never really learned was letting go. Letting chapters end and beginning new ones. I often think about my childhood. Well, thinking is putting it lightly. I have no problems with letting my mind drift back to moments when I was younger and just reliving them for a bit. This is something that I do to cope at times and it is a comfort to me. I have no desire to relive my childhood, adolescence was far too painful for that, but I love to sort of travel back in time to a place where things didn't have to make sense. Sometimes I think about my toys that I loved and the games I played. I remember at one point I had all of my stuffed animals on my twin sized bed. There was probably close to thirty or forty that I happily squeezed in the middle of. My mom would always tell me to move them, but how could I chose which ones to keep? They were all so dear to me. Each one from a different time, whether it was given to me as a gift or one that was made. They each told a story. I had a ritual to kiss each one making sure no one was left out, I didn't want any jealousy! Ok, so this is sounding more like confessions of early OCD tendencies, and maybe it is. The point is, there was something so comforting for me to have this completion and to know that no matter what, they were there. Of course as the years went on, some of my fluffy friends moved to the floor, some to a box, and some to those children less fortunate than I. I learned I had to let go, but some of them stayed. Some of them have even traveled across the country with me. My oldest friend still has a place on my bed every night (Wayne is so understanding!). Growing up, growing apart, learning to let go is not something I'm good at, but something I've learned to embrace. At the same time, I've also learned that somethings don't have to be let go. Somethings are meant to stay and be apart of you even if they aren't as big of a part. I don't carry my teddy every where I go, and I don't cuddle with him every night, but he's there. Friendships in life aren't as easy as toys. I'm not sure that they will be there the next day like all of my stuffed animals were. I don't know how to let go and when or if I should sometimes. I just hope that the ones that are there and hold a special part of me will be there.