A little here, A little there

As I get down to the countdown before we leave, I'm finding myself writing several mental diary entries a day. I don't really have the time or focus to jot (or type) them all, but my mind seems to be in this constant state of contemplation where nothing is as simple as it seems and everything is symbolic for something. I think it's the finality of where I'm at right now so I'm trying not to read too much into things; I just feel so dramatic. I'm seeking a constant where there can't be, and desperately searching for a stable place to turn to whether it be in a friend who wants that closeness, or simply an effective workout routine I can look forward to... everything seems to be changing. I suppose that is just where things are suppose to be right now. I'm back in the waiting room of life again. Waiting to be needed, waiting to be trusted, waiting to settle my roots and grow. For once, I would like to be an active participant in the changes in life, for my voice to stand out enough to create a positive change, but that seems to be a role I'm not destined for. How can I expect to be silent and watch everything spin out of control? As long as I can remember, God has taught me that he knows what is best for my life, while frustrating at times, He really does a better job of running it than I do so I'm not struggling with that aspect as much. I do pray that he uses me to touch others in my life so that I can be a tool to create a positive change in theirs. So often, I feel like the opportunity is open, but I fail to let Him work through me. It is these times more than any other, I feel like I have no true place. I'm on unsteady ground and sent back to the waiting room to flip through boring magazines until my true purpose finally calls.